Earlier this week Kevin Feige, primary creator and producer of the Marvel Cinematic Universe franchise since 2007, as a result of COVID boredom, finally broke down and watched the infamous four-hour Snyder Cut of DC’s Justice League. Reports indicate that he has not been able to feed or bathe himself after the emotional awakening he experienced from the “majesty of the silver screen.”Snyder has redefined the popcorn flick genre by stretching it to the length of a seven-course meal.
Feige said he was moved to tears by the beauty of this cinematic masterpiece. He is quoted as saying, “I realized that I’ve thrown the last 10 years of my life away making mediocrity centered on character building and storytelling.” When pressed he continued, “I now realize the woeful shortage of expositional dialogue, explosions, and slow-motion throughout the history of the MCU.” He pleaded with critics saying, “Why haven’t any of you told me that all of our action scenes were filmed too fast?” He lamented the missed opportunity of Black Panther saying, “I now feel certain we could have achieved a perfect 100% on the elusive tomato-meter had we known that drama could be contrived with slow-motion.” Instead, that film will be forever plagued by its paltry 96%.
Marvel director Alan Taylor had a different reaction, “I didn’t know you could get a re-do of infinite length anytime you swing and miss.” Perhaps had he been aware of this tactic, we would all be treated to a gripping six-hour rendition of Thor: Dark World. He has started the Twitter trend #ReleaseTheTaylorCut. So far the trend has only been adopted by the desperate and lonely Twitter trolls who have fixated on the failed theatrical release of a pop culture film from years ago.
In light of the collective epiphany from Marvel executives, they have decided that Zack Snyder should steer the next ten years of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. After critical disappointments with Watchmen, Sucker Punch, Man of Steel, and Batman vs. Superman, Marvel Studios has decided to give him another chance. Social critics have applauded Marvel’s recruitment of Snyder noting how rare it is to see a middle aged white guy get a 5th and 6th chance in a merciless town like Hollywood.
Snyder has redefined the popcorn flick genre by stretching it to the length of a seven-course meal. Marvel noted that after applying subtleties and different sub-genres for each character they now look forward to flattening every character into the same mold, with the same issues, and visual style. “It just makes it easier,” said one Marvel producer, “Snyder understands that pretty much every superhero is exactly the same and should be treated as such.” Marvel anticipates the flogging they’re likely to receive from critics on future projects but has found the silver lining and looks forward to the extended cuts as fodder for the content-starved Disney+ streaming service.
This article was published on April 1, 2021. We trust you to put two and two together.