Surprise! Nintendo Adds 10 Characters from the Bible to Super Smash Bros Ultimate

Earlier this summer, Nintendo smashed us all with their announcement that the forthcoming Super Smash Bros. Ultimate for the Nintendo Switch would feature every single character from every single previous Smash Bros. game. With over 60 entrants on a roster of characters from several different videogame franchises, Ultimate was already the biggest Smash title ever—but Nintendo wasn’t finished yet. On August 8th, they revealed even more fighters for their game, and with months left until release there’s no telling just who else will make the line-up for one of the most anticipated fighting games in years.

Well, almost no telling. We here at Love Thy Nerd just heard from our inside source at Nintendo HQ, and we have a shocking revelation to share with you all: Nintendo’s adding 10 characters based on the Holy Bible. Yes, that’s right. That Holy Bible. Our exclusive scoop has a lowdown on all ten fighters, so read on!

Samson

Burning with racially-tinged rage, the last Israelite Judge joins the battle ready to take revenge on the Philistines with bizarrely complicated revenge plots. His abilities include hurling a donkey’s jawbone like a boomerang, burning enemy players with foxes tied together by their tails with a torch also tied to their tails, and (more commonly) ripping apart foes “as if they were a young goat”—because that’s a standard measure of strength that we’re all familiar with. Samson’s an intimidating presence in a match, but he can be swiftly brought low with a quick snip to his long locks. His Final Smash allows him to pull down temple pillars down on himself, instantly defeating all opponents but also irreversibly deleting that level and his character from the game.

Lydia of Thyatira

Head of her own household and a famed seller of purple, Lydia continues to baffle Bible scholars for being such a well-to-do free woman known for her hospitality wealth, and being Europe’s first documented Christian Convert. While mostly a passive Smash fighter known for providing delicious food and praying for healing for the sick and wounded, Lydia isn’t afraid to put her purple fabrics to work. For her final Smash, she braids a purple whip to imitate her Lord, chasing money-changing players off ledges of the Temple of Time.

Baalam’s Donkey and Baalam

Baalam’s Donkey kicks things off with divinely inspired smack-talk and lots of powerful hoof action. Her owner, Baalam, operates like an uncooperative Ice Climber, largely berating his donkey for not listening—despite her being a such a (beg your pardon) kick-ass. Of course, players can also choose to play as Baalam; however, he is highly unhelpful, trying only to teach other players how to seduce the Israelites into idolatry and other naughty things—to which the Donkey just shakes her shaggy head, calls him a false prophet, and crushes him against a wall.

Proverbs 31 Woman

A woman fed up with Bible study clichés, who can find her? Come this December, players can find her in Ultimate. The ideal wife of every young male Christian who’s spent far more time writing devotionals and chore lists for his imaginary family than actually speaking to a woman who’s not a blood relative, the Proverbs 31 Woman joins the fray prepared to smack down opponents quicker than you can say “Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood”—yes, it’s a mouthful, and yes, it’s a real thing. With rippling muscles gained working from wool and flax for the last few thousand years, the Proverbs 31 Woman is ready to smash anyone who suggests working mothers should stay home with the children.

Jael

Hailing from the deserts of ancient Canaan, Jael, wife of Heber the Kenite, enters the battle with her trusty hammer and dirty tent peg. She’s a deceptive fighter, welcoming opponents into her tent with blankets and bowls of milk before hammering a spike into their noggin when they lie down for a catnap. Her Final Smash summons a choir of Israelites to praise her in song with lyre and tamborine while a crowd of pastors looks around uncomfortably and suggests women model themselves on Leah or Mary instead.

Esau

Esau, the firstborn son of the patriarch Isaac enters the battle with a hunting bow and a glorious full-body coating of hair. He’s a long-distance fighter who prefers action rather than thinking. The consummate outdoorsman, Esau uses his bow like it’s an extension of his own disgustingly furry limbs. His primary weakness is that he will gladly trade his victory for a bowl of stew if enemies get him close enough to exhaustion. His Final Smash is titled “Bitter Birthright,” and when used Esau throws his birthright as firstborn son at you, then tries to destroy you for nabbing it.

Mary, Mother of Jesus

Mary may be blessed among women, but she is an entity unto herself on a Smash stage, using her abilities on friend and foe alike. Anyone who draws near to Mary will be hurled into space by her Jump for Joy special ability. Similarly, any player loafing about after the all wine’s gone will receive a motherly chiding, and anyone who refuses to travel with the caravan even though we’re all supposed stick together after we leave Jerusalem, guys will take damage for worrying their mother sick. But every hardship that Mary brings is paid off in her Final Smash when she is joined by the rest of the 120 believers and filled with the Holy Spirit at Pentecost. This does no damage to enemy players, but everyone in the room suddenly begins speaking in tongues.

Rahab

Survivor of Jericho, Rahab is a fierce defender, demonstrating her seamless unity of believing and doing. Whenever a teammate is launched off the platform, she protects them from further damage for a time by hiding them in the rushes on the roof of the stage. Should they take several successive hits, she exhorts them to keep fighting with stories about how Jericho went on tilt when they heard about what God was doing for the Israelites. But she holds her own in 1-on-1 as well. For her Final Smash, she wields the famed red cord that protected her household alone at the fall of Jericho, casting aside any doubts as to why she’s in the Roll Call of Faith and the bloodline of Christ.

Jacob

The handsome trickster hero of Genesis who famously both deceives and is deceived himself, the clingy second son of Isaac is strong enough to wrestle with God (or an angel of God, or a pre-incarnation Jesus, or it’s a metaphor or something—the Bible is really hard, guys.) Jacob can give (and take) a wallop from dusk until dawn, as long as players shield attacks to his very sensitive hip socket. Players must be careful, however: if there’s any hint of family drama in a match, Jacob vanishes from the stage, and his sons appear and sell a random player into Egyptian slavery.

Ark of the Covenant

We know what you’re thinking: “Hold on. Surely they don’t mean the Ark made of acacia wood, two and a half cubits long, one and a half cubits wide, one and a half cubits high, overlaid with pure gold, yea inside and out it was overlaid, and upon the Ark was a mercy seat of pure gold, two and a half cubits long and one and a half cubits wide, with two gold cherubim made of hammered work, and the cherubim faced on another, their wings spread upward covering the mercy seat, which was atop the Ark that held the testimony given to the Israelites by the LORD? That Ark?”

Yes! The very same! Nintendo’s kept this a closely guarded secret, but the final new character in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate is the long-lost Ark of the Covenant, sought by Nazi occultists and handsome archaeology professors everywhere. Amazingly, the Ark has no attacks, smashes, or even any moves at all. The player has no control over it whatsoever. The Ark simply plops itself down on the stage, fuming with the spirit of the Lord, and anyone who approaches it bursts into flame. Additionally, the player who selected the Ark is struck by lightning, voiding their console’s warranty. Our source tells us programmers have had tremendous difficulty beta-testing this character.

And that’s it! You can be absolutely 100% sure to find all of these heroes when Super Smash Bros. Ultimate launches for the Switch this December. If we let you down, be sure to protest by sharing our list on Twitter and Facebook. That’ll show us.

Contributors: C.T. Casberg, M. Joshua Caller, Madeline Turnipseed, and Ryan Patrick Guerra.