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SIE Santa Monica Studio Unveils Next Big Project: Rent-A-Kratos

After the enormously successful release of God of War on the Playstation 4, SIE Santa Monica came together to start work on their next project. After announcing that there will be no DLC for their 100% complete game, it was time to put their thoughts and energy towards something new. Everyone was expecting the grand reveal of the next epic in the saga of Kratos and young Atreus when director Cory Barlog’s face graced the screen of their latest update video; however what was shown could not have been predicted.

“We here at SIE Santa Monica all read and saw how well people with daddy issues responded to the relationship of Kratos and Atreus, so we’re proud to announce you can have that relationship too. Now for the first time, I’m excited to introduce you to Rent-A-Kratos”

What is Rent-A-Kratos?

I know what you’re thinking. What in Odin’s name is Rent-A-Kratos? Well, it’s actually exactly what it sounds like. Many of us have never been told our artwork sucks, we are not very good at basketball, or that we are not likely to achieve our dreams. We yearn for some negative feedback, someone to yell at us, mumble under their breath, or even just growl at us while we are doing menial tasks. Kratos offers to do just that.

Normal Dad stuff.

How does it work?

Using newly found technology, SIE Santa Monica was able to use all their gigawatts and terra flops left over from creating the masterpiece known as God of War and a run of the mill 3D printer, to bring the character Kratos to life.

It all starts with a form sent to your house by Raven. On this form you fill out questions like, “How sensitive are you to stern father figures being disappointed with your living situation, how you are fairing in achieving your life goals, and how you respond to adversity?” or “Are you willing to learn the benefits of beheading a Dark Elf while learning to play a new instrument?” The questions seemed straightforward enough so I filled them out to the best of my abilities, fed the Raven some bird seed from my back porch bird feeder, and sent the bird back to SIE Santa Monica.

After a few days, I was lounging on my couch when there was a thud on my door. I quickly opened the wooden portal and low and behold there was Kratos, towering over me, already disappointed by my lack of speed in opening the door. Immediately, he entered and started lecturing me, “If I was a Draugr, you would’ve been slain and your insides would be the last thing you’d see before the wings of the valkyries would take you to the land of Valhalla.” We were off to a great start.

For the next week, Kratos would judged every aspect of my life, from scowling when I brush my teeth to deep sighs when put on my shoes without tying them to get the mail. Every now and then I’d hear a hearty chuckle, thinking he was proud or even humored by something I had done, but it was always in pity. You’d think this would bring down my mood or even make me depressed, but I could feel, by how he carried himself, the things he said were for my benefit. Every grunt that he made when I asked for help, was teaching me that I could find ways to do things myself. Even when he would angrily scream and chuck his magical axe at squirrels, I know he was showing me how to stand up to my environments.

“These are called hands—you would know that if you ever did a days worth of honest work.”

At the end of my week with Kratos, there was no emotional good bye or a hug to signify the bond we developed. With a smack on my back and a grunt, all he said when he left was “You wouldn’t be the first I’d choose to hunt Ogres with me.” Then he left. When all was said and done, my hands hurt from calluses, I stood straighter and I had confidence that I could achieve the goals I set for myself.

After Kratos had left, I decided to reach out to other early adopters and see what their experiences were like.

Kyle from Ohio explained that his father was absent from his life and his experience with Kratos made him want to reach out. “It was when I was mowing the lawn and he growled ‘Boy, if you can’t cut the grass efficiently, how do you expect to live your life with efficiency?’ That’s when I knew what sage wisdom I’d been missing my whole life!”

“It’s a bow not a harp, now kill that boar or you’re sleeping outside for the rest of the week!”

Ginny from Florida had a different experience. She seemed to find Kratos’s wisdom on life and relationships extremely helpful. “I had been talking to him about how I had been finding just the worst guys out there. Then he said something very simple, ‘Keep your expectations low and you will never be disappointed.’ I mean, I know he didn’t mean to just settle, but I could tell he was trying to tell me not to try so hard. Soon after, I met my fiancé!”

Not all had good experiences. Lauren from Seattle asked Kratos to leave after the first day. “All he did was tell me how disappointed he was after I could only chop down five of the seven trees in my backyard. I’m proud I even got one down!”

So Who Is This Service For?

This service is really for those who just need some more motivation in their daily lives—whether you’re missing the sage advice from your caring-but-not-knowing-how-to-show-it father or just didn’t have that in the first place. Rent-A-Kratos isn’t for all, but there are some out there who just need to hear that voice of a man who slaughters mythical creatures say “I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed.”

 



Andrew fights mediocrity by day and night in Vancouver, Washington through video games, comic books, movies and TV shows. You can find him on his podcast Origins & Adaptations, on Instagram: @lebeardedcooper, and on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Old.Man.Beard.

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