When you’ve been around the business for as long as I have it can feel like you’ve played all of the games there are to play. Ideas that would have once excited me now seem to fall flat. I’m not as impressed as I used to be with adventurous mechanics, experimental story telling or fantastical imagery. Call it cynicism or old age, but I’ve finally came up with my bottom 10 Board Games, and I think there are more than a few on this list that may surprise you.

It’s wild to me just how long a game of Twilight Imperium 4th Edition (TI4) can really take. When most heavy games are wrapping up at around 4 hrs, this one may not even be at halftime. I can’t really spend a whole lot of time on this game, because we have 9 more to get to, but suffice it to say… even if you had the time there’s probably a better use of it for you.

For real, though… why is it so long? Seriously. If you’re having a hard time wrapping your head around just how long this game actually is, think about it in terms of a work day. Generally speaking you will average 8 hrs in your office chair, a truck, on an assembly line or wherever you get paid to be most days. Now, imagine you’re there and about 2 hrs in you are already watching the clock and longing for 5p. If you could capture that feeling in a bottle, that’s what it’s like to play TI4.

Did I mention that you are there… like… the WHOLE TIME?! It’s wild! If you leave, the other players get legitimately mad. There’s not even an off-ramp outside of the final turn! There is absolutely zero tolerance for a major bathroom emergency. It doesn’t actually come with the same kind of suits that space travelers use that gives them the freedom to soldier on without needing to worry about such things. If they included a few of those in the box, or maybe a coupon or something, I think that would go a long way to patching a major whole in the system. There may even be a licensing deal in play. You could say that it all DEPENDS on the right partner.

And on top of that, space is really big. Even if we’re only talking about a specific star system, that’s a whole lot of individuals to learn their names, likes, dislikes, wants and desires, favorite colors and allergies. I don’t know about you, but I don’t really have time to test the gluten tolerance of every single being on every ship orbiting every planet ALSO full of life forms. The sheer thought of it all is exhausting. Simply put, they bit off more than anyone could chew with this one. Maybe TI5 will fix this issue that is definitely a bug and not a feature.

None of the alien factions are based in any form of reality. Take for instance the lion featured prominently on the cover of the box. Obviously a lion is more than capable of ruling, cognitive thought and intelligible speech. We’ve all seen Zootopia and The Chronicles of Narnia. You’d have to be a fool to dispute these claims given the mountains of evidence supporting the contrary. My main issue is with the size of it. They want me to believe these lions are 10x bigger than the humanoids – also featured right on the box cover for reference. Do not insult our intelligence, Fantasy Fight. We didn’t scrape and claw our way through primary school just to be mocked. There used to be truth in advertising… but I guess they just don’t make them like they used to.

Are you still on the fence about this one? Or maybe you’re starting to get a little more than defensive? “How can you have TI4 as ALL 10 of your bottom 10? THAT’S CRAZY! YOU’RE A CRAZY PERSON!!!!” Oh yea? Is that so? Well, would a crazy person do THIS?! You can’t see me, but I’m doing something completely normal and not crazy at all. TI4 doesn’t even have a mediocre Saturday morning cartoon adaptation, you know? Gummy Bears had a cartoon, friends. Gummy Bears.

The pieces aren’t even that fun to stack! How can you take a game seriously if you can’t stack the pieces in between turns?! I’m pretty sure leaving that out of a game is against the Geneva Convention. I will give them their flowers though, seeing as I am a fair and reasonable man. They fixed some of the stacking issues with Twilight Inscription, the roll and write adaptation that no body really knows how to play but pretends to so other people don’t think they are just as dumb as they think they really are. But, while the stacking element was improved, the flavor profile could still use some serious tweaking. The world learned with Tide Pods that if it looks like candy then we will try and eat it. And those dice look like they should be delicious.

The nerve to expect that I already know how to gaslight my friends for the duration of the game. I can’t even get them to trust that I’ll bring the pizza rolls to the next game night, but this game thinks I can convince people – who know my middle name – that I can be trusted to uphold a governmental alliance in the midst of galactic financial collapse? I haven’t been forced into this many pinky promises since my best friend peed his pants at our 3rd grade recital. I told him I’d take that one to my grave, but now seems as good a time to share it as any, I guess.

Where is TI4 Junior? Where is My First Twilight Imperium? What if… uh… my little… uh… sister? Yea, what if my little sister wanted to play this game? How is she supposed to hop in and play without the law degree, debate team trophy or silver tongue of a seasoned diplomat needed to skillfully navigate the waters of universal domination? Scythe has a kids’ version so it stands to reason that any game worth it’s salt would offer an easier to approach version for the rest of us… er… I mean… our sisters.

The final straw for me is that the box is too big. It’s 2026: all games should fit on Ikea Kallax shelves. Even ones that weren’t made in 2026. I’m firm on this position.