Nintendo, Sony, Valve, and Microsoft Partner to Announce Adulting Achievements

As the average gamer is well into the years of adulthood, gaming giants Sony, Microsoft, Nintendo, and Steam have partnered to recognize the increasing responsibility their populace shoulders on a daily basis. LTN is excited to exclusively bring you the list of achievements you can look forward to seeing on a screen near you.

Money

“Bless Me, Dave Ramsey” – Stayed within your games budget for a month. Jon Campoverde

“Better Cheap than Never” – You waited until a game was on sale to buy it. Steve Cullum

“Plasma Plunder” – You bought this game with money made from donating plasma. You might have passed out into your apple juice, but that game is yours. Jon Campoverde

Relationships

“Baby Souls” – Defeated a Dark Souls boss while holding a baby. A real baby. The gods know if its a fake baby. Drew Dixon

“Twin Baby Souls” – Defeated a Dark Souls boss while holding two babies. Same requirements as above. Drew Dixon

“Baby Spree Souls” – Defeated a Dark Souls boss while holding more than two babies. Same requirements as above. Drew Dixon

“Baby Sitter Souls” – Defeated a Dark Souls boss while holding someone else’s baby. Same requirements as above. Drew Dixon

“In The Arms of An Angel” – Remembered to let your pet back inside during the last loading screen. Ryan Guerra

“Leave The Mothers Out of This” – Sent heartfelt congratulations after losing a round of Call of Duty online. Daniel Burton

“The Couple that Slays Together” – Spent a night in with your significant other where you made dinner and played a game together. Jon Campoverde

“True Love Waits” – Skipped that awkward sex scene with the character you worked hard to romance. Ryan Guerra

“It Tolls For Thee” – Watched and actually read the entirety of the credits. Madeline Turnipseed

“Resist the Dark Side” – Successfully ignored the nine-year-old troll baiting you into an argument while playing Destiny 2. Kevin Schut

“Basically a Saint” – Answered your significant other’s call even though you weren’t at a stopping point in-game. Ryan Guerra

Responsibilities

“Diaper Dash” – Successfully changed your child’s diaper in between rounds of Overwatch without costing your team. –Drew Dixon

“Hello Screen Time My Old Friend” – Finished all your work, giving you time to actually play a game today. Steve Cullum

“Lost, But Not Forgotten” – Managed to see the main menu of that game you bought three years ago but have never actually played. Jonathan Reedy

“Once Past The Lips, Forever On The Hips” – Considered your backlog and didn’t buy a single game during the Steam Sale. Madeline Turnipseed

“You Cried” – Felt a little despair at putting down the controller during a Dark Souls run to care for a wailing infant. Nathan Valle

“The Few, The Proud” – You set down your controller to join the 15% of the population that has voted in a local election. Justin Gabriel

“Necessary Evil” – Swallowed your pride and completed a long and complicated mission with some help from a game wiki. Kevin Schut

Self-Care

“Past Your Bedtime” – Played a game after the kids were in bed without falling asleep yourself. Brandon Zammuto

“Raid Wipe” – Played the Nintendo Switch on the toilet for 30 consecutive minutes. Ryan Guerra

“Raid Wipe II” – Wiped your child’s bottom with one hand while playing the Nintendo Switch with the other. C.T. Casberg

“Depends Dash” – Successfully changed your own diaper in between rounds of Overwatch without costing your team. Drew Dixon

“A Stranger Walks Among Us” – Closed out of the game and went to the gym. Daniel Burton

“Two Sets of Footprints” – Completed a game by watching someone else do it on YouTube. Kevin Schut

“Hierarchy of Needs I: Body” – Caught a power nap on the couch during a loading screen. Pat Gann

“Hierarchy of Needs II: Safety” – Did those finger exercises you saw on Youtube that prevent carpal tunnel syndrome . . .  you hope. Pat Gann

“Hierarchy of Needs III: Friendship” – Engaged in conversation via headset with a friend you’d not spoken to in at least one year. Pat Gann

“Hierarchy of Needs IV: Self-Esteem” – Disabled achievement notifications and then played a game to completion without ever checking achievement progress, valuing yourself outside the context of achievements. Pat Gann

“Hierarchy of Needs V: Self-Actualization” – But you still got 100% completion anyway. Pat Gann